I found this wonderful little gem in my drafts today. It was a much needed pick me up, reading through my old thoughts from before Charlie was born! I almost forgot we even called him “Bdub” before he was born, haha. For the first month he was here, I kept almost calling him our little nickname for him; now he’s definitely Charlie!
I can’t believe we are just a few short weeks away from finally meeting you! I have pictured our first minutes together (and millions of minutes after) so many times, and your father and I are counting down the days until we can kiss your sweet face, hold you on our chests, and look into your wonderful little (and inevitably blue) eyes. I have dreamed of your tiny fingers wrapped around my own, and the wrinkly little toes and feet which are destined to patter up and down our hallway.
I think you are almost ready to come into the world, these days. Just this week I panicked once again as you slept for most of the day in my tummy, rather than stretching and kicking gently as you normally do while we sit in the swively chair at work. Momma has had a hard time not worrying about your well-being since the second we knew we were pregnant with you. It’s normal, I think for a first time mom, but I know I’ll forever worry about your happiness and health; a task I willingly take on as your mother.
I promise to always love you more than words can say. You are already the light of my life, and I am already proud of you for everything you’ve done and have yet to accomplish. I promise to always love you for exactly who you are – no changes, improvements, or tweaks to be made. You are perfect exactly as you are.
Lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve always been sort of mercurial in all aspects of my life. Growing up was, of course, difficult —who doesn’t have a hard time going through adolescence? —due to the fact that I experienced such extreme moodiness from about age eight until twenty-two, and had a pretty sassy personality to boot.
As a Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius, I am just whimsical enough to put stock in my horoscope, while also being scientific enough to feel skeptical of its merits. I believe in black and white facts, but also totally understand the in-between, miraculous things. I am organized to a fault, while piles of laundry get thrown on top of my dresser and my car is a disgusting mess. I’m extremely strict about some things, and totally chill about others. It may seem like there’s no rhyme or reason for the things I do, but I promise you nothing is arbitrary.
I studied religion in college, but you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone less religious than I am.
Now in the working world, it seems I’ve continued this pattern of apparent duality, as I work in a pretty old-fashioned industry, but my clients are all very modern and tech-y. I love the rules and data-driven part of my job, but need this creative outlet in writing to keep me going. My friends are both white collar executives and blue collar construction workers, with a whole lot of creatives thrown in. My peeps are 50/50 on the blue versus white collar spectrum, and I feel at ease in both worlds.
Life is about balance, you know? I still struggle with finding it sometimes; I think it’s human nature to want to pick a label for ourselves, to simplify who we are. Some days I want to be strict, proper and organized, and others, I want to just be an artsy hippie who doesn’t care about rules or money. Ultimately, I have to settle for something in between the two, and I guess that’s okay.
Do you ever feel torn between two words? Tell me about it!
I used to consider myself a creative person. I spent my weekends in high school stretching out my hamstrings on the living room floor while watching movies in French and Italian (with. out. subtitles.) and reading any book by a female author before 1800 that I could get my hands on. I actively sought out things that exercised my right brain.
And now? I go to work. I work very hard and think a lot, but it’s about law and insurance and reading contracts and understanding what the heck my clients do. I come home. Don’t get me wrong, my job exercises that type A part of me that wants things to be organized and fast-paced and stimulating in the left-brainy way, and I really enjoy what I do. It’s weird for people NOT in my industry to hear me say things like “I really love insurance!” but I do. It’s a great industry to be in with a lot of good people, and I work for an amazing company who values their employees and takes pretty good care of them.
BUT. I can’t help always feeling like I’m letting that creative part of my brain wither away over the years. That’s what hobbies are for, I hear you saying. But I’m lazy and about to have a lot less time for myself because I am growing a little human who is going to flip my world upside down and take up every spare moment I have outside of work. I wish I could work in two departments at once – oh please boss? Won’t you let me write colorful words for you on Mondays and Tuesdays in Media/Marketing, and then handle my 400 emails Wednesday through Friday? Actually, while we’re at it, how about you just give me Fridays off so I have time to just be my diva self and go to farmer’s markets with my kid?
Ok guys, rant over. I must go supervise the ceiling progress.