Things my husband says

I started this thing a few years ago, after Matt and I first moved in together. My hard working dude wakes up super early, so he’s always falling asleep in random locations around 7pm. When awoken suddenly, he says some pretty funny stuff (and generally has no recollection of it the next day). All of these come straight out of his mouth upon waking, and I have no context whatsoever for what he’s talking about.

So, for your weekend enjoyment, I give you the Matt-isms from my iPhone notes…

April 2015

(On a Wednesday night, around 11pm)

“Get your sweet sugar lumps out of bed and make me some bacon”

June 2015

Matt: *sits up randomly in bed* Oh….mom?

Me: no babe, not mom, it’s me.

Matt: no….mom?

Me: nope.

Matt: *quietly* look at this gentleman, he has poop in his pants.

Me: what??

Matt: *in a fancy, high-pitched, British accent* he has poop in his pants!


Matt: well! Somebody’s gotta get their head cut off!

Me: what?? Why?

Matt: because that’s the way the cookie crumbles *sit up on couch and begins boxing with my thigh*


August 2015

To the cat: “of all the tardises in all the world, you had to walk into mine. You damn shin bone” *boops cat on nose with fingertip*

Matt: this isn’t gonna work

Me: What?

Matt: the TV isn’t gonna work. *points behind him to the wall* The TV chord isn’t gonna go that far.

Me: Oh, yeah you’re right….

Matt: No matter how much you bull jive, it isn’t gonna work. Now who looks stupid?


March 2016

From a text I sent to my sister:

“Just now Matt was dozing off and suddenly he sat straight up and said, “the fuck am I wearing?!?” Then proceeded to grab his phone, turn on the flashlight, and look at his tshirt. Then he turned it off, and just laid back down.


You are all welcome. Happy Saturday!


Update: How’s Married Life?

Since my husband and I were married just six short months ago, one question comes up pretty much every day: how is married life?


 Put simply, it’s the same.


 Here’s a little snapshot of what our relationship looked like PRE marriage:


 Work, school, pet the cat, try to get skinny, work, pet the cat, school.


 And POST wedding?


 Work, school, pet the cat/dog, try to get skinny, work, school.


Now, we lived together for almost two and half years before even getting engaged, so a lot of our day to day routine was pretty much figured out in the first 8 months or so of cohabitating. I can’t imagine trying to cram two lives together into one living arrangement while also figuring out what it is to be married. Not that we had a lot going on after the wedding that might be stressful on a new marriage, but the added pressure of having to make a marriage work out when you didn’t even know your wife literally leaves her laundry in a corner on the floor pretty much all year just seems like too much.

I’ve had to explain to several friends that living together can be a hard adjustment. Like for me; I love having my own time and space and hate being asked to do anything I didn’t come up with myself. So when my now husband and I moved in together and all of a sudden I was asked to help clean the kitchen when I hate cleaning the kitchen, I was really stressed out and wondered if everything would work out okay. There’s more pressure on making a relationship work when there’s a rental agreement involved, so it can be super stressful figuring out what works and what doesn’t. Arguments will be had, vodka might be imbibed, but it’s all a part of the growing process. We figured out that we can put up with the weird, annoying stuff about each other before we made the decision to get married and be forced to see the other grooming in the living room for the rest of our lives.


 Anyway, marriage is wonderful. It’s just the same wonderful as it was before, except I don’t have to pay for health insurance anymore (woot!!).