Things my husband says

I started this thing a few years ago, after Matt and I first moved in together. My hard working dude wakes up super early, so he’s always falling asleep in random locations around 7pm. When awoken suddenly, he says some pretty funny stuff (and generally has no recollection of it the next day). All of these come straight out of his mouth upon waking, and I have no context whatsoever for what he’s talking about.

So, for your weekend enjoyment, I give you the Matt-isms from my iPhone notes…

April 2015

(On a Wednesday night, around 11pm)

“Get your sweet sugar lumps out of bed and make me some bacon”

June 2015

Matt: *sits up randomly in bed* Oh….mom?

Me: no babe, not mom, it’s me.

Matt: no….mom?

Me: nope.

Matt: *quietly* look at this gentleman, he has poop in his pants.

Me: what??

Matt: *in a fancy, high-pitched, British accent* he has poop in his pants!


Matt: well! Somebody’s gotta get their head cut off!

Me: what?? Why?

Matt: because that’s the way the cookie crumbles *sit up on couch and begins boxing with my thigh*


August 2015

To the cat: “of all the tardises in all the world, you had to walk into mine. You damn shin bone” *boops cat on nose with fingertip*

Matt: this isn’t gonna work

Me: What?

Matt: the TV isn’t gonna work. *points behind him to the wall* The TV chord isn’t gonna go that far.

Me: Oh, yeah you’re right….

Matt: No matter how much you bull jive, it isn’t gonna work. Now who looks stupid?


March 2016

From a text I sent to my sister:

“Just now Matt was dozing off and suddenly he sat straight up and said, “the fuck am I wearing?!?” Then proceeded to grab his phone, turn on the flashlight, and look at his tshirt. Then he turned it off, and just laid back down.


You are all welcome. Happy Saturday!


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