My WordPress has informed me that it was 7 months ago that I last published a post. What can I say? Life has been a little bit busy around here…
I’m getting ready to go back to work after FIVE MONTHS off, and it has really hit me like a ton of bricks. I have always been career-minded. I have always thought of myself and my future above anything else. The first week we brought our boy home, I thought “I WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK” where I knew how to do my job, and do it well.
Now, on the verge of heading back into the office, every part of me is kicking and screaming, fighting against the innate desire to hole up in my house and be here only for my baby. It’s caught me rather off-guard, and I don’t know how to cope.
Aside from the whiny parts, life has been wonderful. I kind of figured I would be the type of person who had a hard time with the infant stage. I figured lack of sleep, learning to breastfeed, having to constantly hold another tiny person – that it would all sort of drive me insane. But every day is my favorite. Every week I simultaneously mourn the last while being totally in love with the present, and feeling so excited for the next. I definitely have good days and not as good ones, and days where I feel like I Just. Want. It. To. End. But even those days are good days. I get to stare at this beautiful, perfect little person that my body so wisely created while I just sat on my ass and thought “I know everything, I’ve got this shit figured out”. When he showed up, I learned how wrong my brain was, and since then I’ve been going with the flow.
I didn’t know I would learn from my baby. I didn’t know he would teach me more about myself in the first few months of his life than I’ve learned since I myself was born. I am patient (who knew?!). I am loving. I have an unending place inside me where all this love comes from, and I never knew it existed. I appreciate EVERYTHING, I am grateful. I have this unforgiving protectiveness about me now, where I would do literally anything to keep my child safe and happy. I AM MOM. It’s so cheesy and I don’t even care.